Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Nine Inch Nails - Reptile - The Downward Spiral

Reduced to Obedience

I can remember how hard I tried not to fit in the round hole. I wanted to be the square peg. I wanted to stand out, to rebel, to feel a part of being a part of nothing.

I spent my very fist pay check at the age of 15 on pink hair dye and a pair of red vinyl platform boots three inches high (pretty tall for clumsy me). I used to wear obnoxious, provocative clothing and shoplift like a mutha! I frequented the sex shops on a borrowed ID and had a collection of outrageous fetishwear large enough to fill a trunk. I even made a chandelier out of whips and chains to highlight my experimental nature (this of course freaked the hell out of my mother, whom I lived with).

I had a lover and a love (the lover was a male, the love was a female). I got into fights and drank myself silly on a regular basis. I stayed out 'til dawn. I slept off hangovers. I never knew what the next day would bring. I loved sex. I loved drugs. I loved people.

So much has changed from what it was 8 years ago. Now, I get up early everyday. I do my make-up exactly the same way as I have for years. I do my hair similarly to the day before and I dress in clothes that are sensible and casual, just like always. I wear the same shoes almost every single day.

I get into my car and drive the same route to work that I drive every single damned day. I wave at the security guards at the gate, just like always, and pray that my parking spot isn't taken, but it is and I have to park in the dark part of the cave, again.

Sometimes I look at that rebel - that paragon of morality - that girl who never backed down on principal - and I wonder what happened to her. I am her, but I am not her. I miss her and yet, I don't. I am saddened by being reduced to obedience, but I am also reassured by it.

Until Next Time,

Hollie